Healing in His Wings: The Narcissist and the Codependent

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They said, “Go where you are valued,” so I ran to God.

Tonight I’m going to write about what may be an odd topic to some, but it’s been on my mind for a few weeks to share it here. I don’t always know why these things come up in my awareness, but since it keeps coming back, here goes…

This is actually based on a paper I wrote last year as part of a biblical counseling training program I completed, which served in great part as group therapy. I will forever be grateful for the time I spent learning and healing during those two years.

By God’s grace, I have recovered from the influence of two narcissistic personalities in my life. One was a close family tie and the other, a former spiritual leader over my family. Each of these humans, separately, had a firm grip on my former existence until the Lord set me free from them both. It was God’s influence that finally changed my life for good.

What I have found through my research on the subject is that narcissism needs a “receiver” to be evident. In my old life as a former people-pleaser and approval addict (a former codependent), I was a receiver of this type of behavior, especially in the second case, and lived with a target on my back for many years.

I’ve studied people-pleasing in great detail, and it quite literally is a psychological dependency that can be just as strong as alcoholism or drug addiction. Praise, compliments, and reassurance are the “chemical fix” that dulls emotional pain. Validation is the “hit” that makes us feel seen, acknowledged, and… not just appreciated… but worthy and valuable.

That is, our worth and value depend fully on our own ability to be useful to another person.

And because the relief is temporary, the processes of altering behavior, overcommitting to the point of our own detriment, and turning our lives upside down in exchange for the equivalent of a wink and a smile… must not just continue, but must increase over time to achieve the same satisfaction.

People-pleasing is a prison of bondage for the mind, will, and emotions. It’s a vicious cycle, and it’s excruciating to break. It took hitting my own rock bottom to finally get free, and I have worked hard and sacrificed much to stay that way. I give all glory to God for helping me find the way out.

This next section is an excerpt from my research paper, and not the entire study. My prayer is that someone will receive from the Lord exactly what is needed in this moment, in Jesus’ name.

The Narcissist and the Codependent

King Nebuchadnezzar made an image of gold, whose height was sixty cubits and its breadth six cubits. He set it up on the plain of Dura, in the province of Babylon.

Daniel 3:1

It has been said that the two individual dysfunctional hearts of the narcissist and the codependent are exact opposites of one another.  The symptoms and characteristics are incredibly similar, but mirror images of each other in the way they are displayed.  Who can stay in close relationship with a narcissist?  The codependent has the perfect blend of self-sacrificial “agreeableness,” feelings of great insignificance and failure, and the deeply addictive desire to earn man’s approval (Cermak, 2022). 

The codependent will endure their partner’s abuse because their deeply ingrained feelings of insignificance fool them into believing they deserve it.  Codependents consistently “allow others to take advantage of them, continue to give and stay in very toxic relationships” (Jenner, 2019). Their highest goal is to become “indispensable” to those around them so that they will not be rejected or abandoned. It is highly common for these personalities to enter into relationship with someone who displays narcissistic tendencies. They may even “seek out such types” (Jenner, 2019).

Dr. Timmen Cermak, a writer with Psychology Today, uses the mythical story of Narcissus and Echo, the wood nymph who fell in love with Narcissus, to describe the possible connection between the narcissistic and codependent personalities. In the article he states: 

“Cursed with the inability to say anything that had not already been said by someone else,  Echo was the perfect mirror for Narcissus, who eventually cried that he would die before giving Echo any power over him. She replied the only way she could, by repeating, “I give you power over me.” Failing to respond to Echo’s love was Narcissus’s “crime” for which he was punished. The punishment was to be made to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. It is the myth of Narcissus and Echo, and it is just like Narcissus to get the whole myth named after only him in most peoples’ minds.

“In modern terms, Narcissus was like a radio transmitter and Echo was like a radio receiver. Narcissus emitted signals and Echo, in her search for succorance, received, enhanced, and reflected them back. Many people become so consumed [addiction] that they project blame onto everyone else, and echoists [codependents] are those who are most susceptible to identifying with these projections.”Timmen L. Cermak MD, Psychology Today, 2022.

The textbook definition of codependency is “the preoccupation and extreme dependence on a person or object; the compulsion to control and rescue people by fixing their problems.”  The same source shows us it is a biblical certainty that codependence on any human person can be rightly seen as idolatry, which is choosing anything over God.  “If we are not putting God first, it creates an absence of dependence on Him” (Pruitt, 1988).  The Bible says, in Matthew 6:33 ESV, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” This Bible truth is the key to healing codependency once and for all.

Healing in His Wings

At the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored Him who lives forever.

Daniel 4:34

“According to the vast majority of psychologists, a narcissistic personality disorder is not curable, but treatable” (Mills, 2024). However, the Bible tells a different story.

Though the counseling steps to healing may be different for each disorder, the spiritual key to complete healing is exactly the same and can only be found in the sovereignty of God. Both issues are, in essence, an over-exaggerated focus on self, and both include the sin of idolatry. Therefore, the key to healing for both personalities is an over-exaggerated focus on God! These must remove the idols of self and others from their lives, and humble themselves under the mighty hand of God so that, in due time, He may lift them up (1 Peter 5:6).  Until these personalities finally get to the end of themselves and come face-to-face with God, there will be no healing and both deeply damaging cycles will continue. 

King Nebuchadnezzar

King Nebuchadnezzar could be seen as a biblical example of a narcissist, but his story can also be applied to the codependent. His soul desire was to be admired and worshiped by his people. He showed a clear lack of empathy when he forced Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego into the fiery furnace when they would not bow down to him (Daniel 3:20). Everything he did, everything he built was to bring praise and honor to himself (Daniel 4:30). Although he was warned by God Himself in two dreams that he needed to change his ways or his kingdom would fall (Daniel 2, 4), Nebuchadnezzar continued in his self-focused ways until he finally underwent a divine intervention:

Even as the words were on his lips, a voice came from heaven, ‘This is what is decreed for you, King Nebuchadnezzar: Your royal authority has been taken from you. You will be driven away from people and will live with the wild animals; you will eat grass like the ox. Seven times will pass by for you until you acknowledge that the Most High is sovereign over all kingdoms on earth and gives them to anyone he wishes.

Daniel 4:31-32 NIV

After the last instance of praising himself for his great works and touting his own majesty in a kingdom he created for himself, God took him from his throne and thrust him into the wilderness for seven years. In His great mercy, because God wanted to save Nebuchadnezzar’s life and restore him to complete healing, He allowed him to go through the fully immersive therapy he needed to get his life back. 

Narcissism and codependency are both deeply ingrained in their victims, and are both hard battles to win. They both take hard work, consistency, and the miraculous power of the Holy Spirit to fully overcome. Nebuchadnezzar did not seek to be healed on his own, but because he was king, and because God always has a better plan for our lives than we have for ourselves, He stepped in and took over the reins of Nebuchadnezzar’s life. 

It took a seven-year journey through great hardship for the Lord to set me free from my own codependency, but now I am completely free because of Him. It was the same for Nebuchadnezzar. God healed the king by picking him up out of the center of his narcissism and setting him down in exactly the circumstance he needed to change his life for the better.  After the seven years were over, this was the miraculous testimony shared by King Nebuchadnezzar:

At the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored Him who lives forever,

for His dominion is an everlasting dominion, and His kingdom endures from generation to generation; all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, and He does according to His will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay His hand or say to Him, “What have you done?”

At the same time my reason returned to me, and for the glory of my kingdom, my majesty and splendor returned to me. My counselors and my lords sought me, and I was established in my kingdom, and still more greatness was added to me. Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and extol and honor the King of heaven, for all his works are right and his ways are just; and those who walk in pride he is able to humble.

Daniel 4:34-37 ESV

The key to healing for both the narcissist and the codependent is an over-exaggerated focus on God. He desires to take every person from the middle of their mess to the mountaintop of victory, in Jesus’ name.  The journey is long and difficult, but it is worth it every single time. 

If any of this rings true for you, dear reader, then the Lord is already fighting on your behalf, or else why would you be reading this? He put it on my heart to post this, He brought you to the point of reading it… and if you are battling any side of these issues and you’ve read this all the way through to the end… then He is planting seeds for your healing through the words on this screen. Nothing is impossible with God, dear friend. Nothing is impossible with Him.

If you are in danger, take immediate action and reach out to local authorities. If you are in need, begin with prayer and ask the Lord to help you. If you are ready to begin your journey to freedom, don’t try to go it alone. Yes, take active steps in your daily life, but also open yourself up to the accountability of finding a Bible-believing and faith-filled Christian counselor to walk with you each step of the way. Find someone who will surround you with prayer and who won’t let you settle for less than the freedom God designed especially for you.

Keep searching until you find it. You won’t regret it.

He will say to them, ‘Listen to me, all you men of Israel! Do not be afraid as you go out to fight your enemies today! Do not lose heart or panic or tremble before them. For the LORD your God is going with you! He will fight for you against your enemies, and he will give you victory!’

Deuteronomy 20:3-4 NLT
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Published by Jennifer

A previously depressed and stressed-out mess, now living free and at peace because of Jesus. Religion can’t set you free, but Jesus can. It’s a journey from death to life.

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