Letting Go of Others

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My husband and I have been married for almost 28 years. Before we began dating, it just so happened that we both separately decided to stop dating altogether. My husband says he felt like he didn’t know what he was doing when it came to relationships, so he decided to stop trying and wait on God. I told my friends at the time that I was done with guys and would be “dating Jesus” until He brought me my husband, and that’s exactly what happened!

I guess we were in the same boat.

Steve and I dated in college for exactly one month before separating for the summer. He spent his time in California, while I traveled with a ministry team in Oklahoma. This was pre-cell phone era, so we got to know each other through letters and pay phones, which was very sweet. By the time the summer was over, we were certain of our relationship, so when he came back for the fall semester, I joined his church… which would be our church home for the next 16 years.

We were engaged in our 8th month of dating, on the December day of our college graduation, and married at our church in our 15th month together.

We were married for five years before we had our first child. We’d had some issues in our marriage before that, but we worked them out for the baby. However, a difficult birth experience followed by postpartum depression sent me spiraling into a dark season of depression, anxiety, and panic attacks for the next more than ten years. I quit my full-time job to be a stay-home mom, so my life went from full and somewhat normal, to constant emotional panic mode in an instant.

It was definitely not what we expected.

I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

John 16:33 ESV

Life is never what we expect it to be. We want an easy, pain-free life, but we will never have that on this side of heaven. We will have marriage problems, health issues, and drama with extended family. We will have financial woes and employment problems, and heartache caused by our children. If we don’t expect to have difficulty in life, we will be overrun by it when it comes.

My husband and I are opposites. He’s a logical straight-line thinker, and I’m a little more outside the box. He likes to keep things neat and tidy, but I like a lived-in feel. Now that we have stayed together for nearly three decades, we have learned to live well with each other, and to respect each others differences. But in the past we lived fully against each other. 

Oh, we fought over the smallest things! He hated it when I would close one of my drawers, but leave it slightly open by an inch. It would go all over him, and he would get SO angry! I couldn’t stand it when he used a hand wash only mug and then left it by the sink for me to clean. Ugh!!! Couldn’t he have used one of the many dishwasher safe mugs in the cabinet???

We had much more important issues to fight about, and we did until one of us very seriously threatened to leave. That’s when things began to take a turn for the better. If we didn’t want to lose our marriage, then we needed to make some real changes.

Removing My Standards

My husband would never have been able to meet the high standards I set for him in the former version of our marriage. And I would never have been able to meet his. The Lord taught us that if we would let go of our standards, let go of our expectations, then He would teach us to live by His.

Lowering the bar sounds wrong, but sometimes it’s the only right thing to do.

I needed to learn to let go of my husband. All of my bickering and demanding only served to turn him away from me, when all I really wanted was for him to see me and love me… for me. God showed me that I was standing in the way of truly connecting with my husband, and standing in the way of God’s plan for my marriage.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 ESV

Change will never come until God’s truth reaches the heart of a person. All my husband and I can do is sprinkle words and thoughts and opinions onto the surface of every situation. We can make suggestions, we can have conversations, we can yell and scream at the top of our lungs, but neither of us will ever be able to speak into the center of someone’s heart like God can. We will never be able to move behind closed doors and in all the impossible places like only He can.

And all of our efforts to “help” Him are only a distraction.

We have learned to communicate our needs and our frustrations without escalating into an argument. We have learned to accept each other’s differences while still being honest about where we might be stepping on one another’s toes. We bicker like old married people, maybe because we are, but now it’s kind of fun.

If I remove the bar of my own standards for my husband, then he will have to meet God’s… and God’s are much higher than mine. I might want my husband to take me on regular dates, bring me flowers, and do his part around the house… but God’s expectations are that he will love me as he loves himself, love me as Christ loves the church, and give his life completely up for me (Ephesians 5:25-33).

Which level of commitment would I prefer from my husband?

Letting Go of Others

I don’t want to hurt anyone. The Bible says, in Romans 12:9, “Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good.” Letting go of others means putting myself aside so I can see them the way their Father does. He sees directly into the heart of a person, and if we ask Him to, He will allow us to see glimpses of the truth, as well.

Letting go of others means removing our need for man’s approval. It means living in the light of God’s countenance instead of under the shadow of human opinion. We were not created to carry the burden of comparison as we twist and contort ourselves into an image acceptable to others. There is only one way of thinking that truly matters, and that is the Lord’s.

Letting go of others means entering into forgiveness. It is a key to healing. Unforgiveness puts a heavy weight on every piece of our lives, including our relationship with God. We have heard the saying, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Once we realize that forgiveness is not optional, even if our forgiveness cannot begin with love, we will be able to put one foot in front of the other toward obedience to God and His Word because we want to please Him.

Truly, letting go of others means giving them to God and trusting Him with the relationship. It means releasing them so He can help us embrace them correctly. He will take care of everything on both sides of the fence, no matter what. He is sovereign over all things, and He can be trusted.