Marriage

I’m sitting in my office, taking a break to write my thoughts about marriage after hanging up on my husband this morning (this actually happened two weeks ago). Maybe not the best way to have handled that situation.

We are opposites. Pretty much exact opposites. And while we really have learned to accept each other as we are, and to make room for each other’s differences, there are times when we don’t understand one another, don’t like the words or deeds of the other person, can’t stop from saying something, can’t stop from getting defensive, and end up feeling disrespected.

Sorry, not sorry.

We used to have some really loud and damaging fights back in the day. Very loud. Very damaging. Mostly because we weren’t communicating and would store up offenses until we exploded with anger and frustration. We haven’t had a fight like that in a pretty long time, and I know I speak for both of us when I say that we don’t want to go back to that!

For the most part, we say what needs to be said in the moment.

If he steps on my toes, it’s better for me to say, “Hey, you stepped on my toes,” in that moment than it is for me to get offended, never say anything, hold onto it for weeks, and then eventually choke him to death because he stepped on my toes months ago and never apologized.

He probably didn’t know he stepped on my toes in the first place, which actually makes me at fault for not saying something when it happened. It’s so much better just to handle things in the moment and let it be done.

So. Much. Better.

These days we bicker like an old married couple (because we are one), and we take it over the top on purpose so it ends up being funny. We can be pretty hilarious, and it keeps our communication open and our marriage healthy. Not perfect, mind you… but healthy.

I do this same thing with our three teenagers, who are used to it by now. I have found that they are quicker about sharing their own frustrations in the moment now that we can be open and honest about things. It’s better to do everything we can to keep communication flowing.

Back to our fight from this morning (two weeks ago).

All we married peeps know what happens when frustrations soar and things get heated. This argument was a perfect storm of I did something he didn’t like, he called me on it, I got frustrated and defensive, he did the same, then I got angry and hung up the phone.

We were both steaming, even by the time I got home from work that day, and we fought it out. Pretty loudly, I might add. It turns out that the anger sparked by this one incident, had actually been building little by little over time until it reached explosive levels. The morning run-in was just the last straw on a pile of “secret” straws that was ready to topple over at any moment.

That secret stuff starts to stack up. It won’t stay invisible forever. And that’s our bad.

We had issues we hadn’t properly discussed, and they were festering behind the scenes. And we had just let them fester, which is super unhealthy.

So together we sat, for a pretty long time, and hashed it all out. No one left… though I got significantly angry and stomped out of the room at one point. I picked up my keys to leave the house, but ended up gritting my teeth, taking a deep breath, and returning to my chair so we could finish. Grrr.

We talked out every single issue from top to bottom, and then calmed down enough to talk about solutions. When we were done, we took some very, very necessary time to “not let the sun go down on our anger,” (Ephesians 4:26). We asked forgiveness, we forgave, and then we were done.

We might not have “felt” like we were done, and we weren’t hugging and making up at that point… but we put our mitts down and let it be finished. Really finished.

Since then, we have implemented the necessary changes, kissed and made up, and now we’re bickering like an old married couple once again… just the way we like it.

We’re coming up on our 25th wedding anniversary, and although our marriage is SO much better than it ever was before, we still have our rough patches, as all married couples do. It simply is what it is. My hope is that laying it all out on the table here will help another married couple who is going through their own rough patch… because marriage is hard.

I’m very far from perfect, and I’m no marriage counselor, so I will share just this one thing:

The Bible applies to marriage, too. That’s probably the number one thing that has helped me in my marriage. We can’t change anyone else, but we can work with the Lord to change ourselves. It’s all too easy to treat our spouses (and kids, unfortunately) worse than we would treat any other human, and I’ve done that. It’s not right, and I had to come to terms with my own selfish, prideful, childish ways.

• Am I looking for and expecting the best in my marriage according to Philippians 4:8?
• Am I loving and forgiving as Christ loved and forgave me according to 1 John 4:19 and Colossians 3:13?
• Am I kind and tenderhearted toward my spouse according to Ephesians 4:32?
• Am I loving or submitting to my spouse as I should according to Ephesians 5:22-27?
• Am I displaying the actions of love, or do I only have empty words according to 1 John 3:18?
• Am I praying for my marriage and for my spouse according to James 5:16?

Marriage is hard. Sometimes what happens in a marriage is outside of our control. And sometimes it’s in the very center of our control, but we don’t know what to do to make things better. I can tell you from experience that taking the verses listed above and putting them into practice will make a great difference, and they are just the tip of the iceberg. When we do things God’s way, life changes in ways we never would have expected.

Blessings on your marriage. In Jesus’ name.