Today, I am on day four of an emotional down swing. We all have them, let’s be honest. Jesus is with me, no question of that. But this was a hard one.
These days, I don’t have emotional outbursts or crying fits–there are no more panic attacks or angry rages. It took many years, but I have learned that it’s okay to feel and be honest about my emotions, giving them a voice so they quiet down a lot more easily. I mean, we have emotions for a reason, and stuffing them down can make us mentally and physically ill.
In this particular experience, I spent four days ruminating on frustrating issues I feel powerless to do anything about, and beating myself up for my every imperfection and gaping weakness. If you’ve ever been in this type of thought space, you know it can be a vicious cycle. I did my best to put on a happy face and get my weekend tasks completed, but the rest of the time, I withdrew into myself and stewed.
Normally I can pull myself out of a mood like this pretty quickly, but this time I didn’t really want to, mostly because one of the emotions that came up was anger, which leads to bitterness. And that’s not pretty.
For the last nearly three years, the audio loops playing in the broken parts of my heart have been “I’m so done,” and “I can’t do this anymore.” I’ve done a lot over the past couple of years to overcome those lies, but over the weekend, I practiced them in my mind.
A friend of mine posted a quote recently that said, “healing is not linear.” Here’s a picture similar to the one she posted:
I’ve been feeling like that squiggly line the last several days. I know I can only let that go on for so long before I muster up the courage to start working through it again.
Have you ever heard that healing is like an onion? You have to peel back the layers and deal with them one at a time. I have dealt with more layers of outcomes from rejection, abandonment, and trauma than I can even remember, but here I am peeling back another layer.
My husband refers to that truth whenever we are talking through thoughts and emotions (which helps immensely). He reminds me to recognize how far I’ve come, and that this is just another layer that needs to be dealt with. I so appreciate his positive outlook when my mind is trying to hold onto the negative!
Today, I reluctantly started pulling myself together, knowing that quitting is not an option.
Well, but when it comes to quitting, it’s my choice, really. The Father has given me the free will to decide. I can move forward, do the hard work, and shoot for the stars… or I can quit and go live a quiet, easy life alone on a mountainside somewhere.
But that’s not the life I truly want to live. In my heart of hearts, I desire more than anything to see all my dreams and visions come to pass, and to accomplish the work my Father planned out for me in advance (Ephesians 2:10). And I do believe that I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13)!
So today, I spent some time journaling, praying, listening to worship music, studying the Word… working through why I’m experiencing this and letting go of some things. I spent the evening cleaning, organizing, and food prepping… going through the motions of setting myself up for success for the rest of the week. Being “faithful in the small things,” which is a strong support.
And now I’m telling my story, which helps me to overcome (Revelation 12:11), and will hopefully help someone else who is struggling to overcome, as well.
I might not “feel” 100% better, but I see the path carved out before me, and that’s where I’m going to walk, come what may. The Lord reminded me that He can handle my stumbling and falling as long as I get back up and keep moving forward. It’s the giving up and quitting that puts living things to death… so I choose LIFE.
Broken & Sown 