A year ago this June, everything had come so far… everyone had held on so long… and then it just ended. Our church of seven years dissolved in a rush. Pastors stepped down, families departed, and it was done. Within two weeks of the first announcement, our pastors were gone, and we would never see or hear anything from them again. In the heat of emotion, the pain of loss, our family decided it was best for us to go. There would be a skeleton crew of men, women, and children trying to hold things together, but we knew that wasn’t our direction. We needed a place to land that would require no work from us. A church that would allow us to blend in and heal. That’s what we found, and that’s what we did.
I was the strongest I had ever been in my Christian walk at the time everything broke. I learned so much in the seven years we served with that ministry. I was such a mess when we had first arrived, and the years that followed were the hardest of my life! I needed to be broken down and rebuilt. I needed even the very foundation of my life to be cracked and smashed and torn and reformed. And it was just as painful as that sounds. But I know now that what I went through in that season was, surprisingly, preparing me for the life I have today, and I’m forever grateful.
When I walked in the door of the place we would call home in August 2012, I was jealous, insecure, and afraid. I was selfish, competitive, and mean. I was shallow and religious. A perfectionist and a bully. I was a people-pleaser to the highest degree, and addicted to attention. I looked clean, smart, capable, and powerful on the outside, but it didn’t take much to expose the long-embedded sickness hiding just beneath the surface. Oh, I was a handful!! But what I didn’t know then is that the Father saw to the heart of me, and He knew there was something pure deep inside that was begging and pleading to get out.
I remember standing in worship services at our original home church. We had been there nearly 17 years before leaving at the end of 2012. We had attended since we were in our early 20s… grown up, got married, and had our kids there. And I was a piece of work even way back then.
I never knew why I didn’t have very many friends. I didn’t understand why I felt so rejected all the time. I was depressed and sad at the root of my life, and I hated it so much… and wanted to be free.
I had connected with the Lord at a very young age. I remember speaking to Him at 4 or 5 years old, and feeling in that moment like He was speaking to me, too. I grew up in the church. I had heard and learned of the Lord my whole life… and with what love I had in me, I loved Him. Oh, I would worship and cry at home. I would read and write down the scriptures, and they touched my heart so deeply. I would at times be filled with so much joy and longing that I had to stop everything and sing, pray, and worship the Lord! But apart from those times, I was miserable.
I lived every day in a deep dark hole. I was depressed, sad, and angry. I was hopeless, helpless, and I hated myself. I was fragile and explosive, blowing up at even the hint of stress. I had very thin skin and very immature emotions. I yelled and slammed doors and took my wildly erratic moods out on everyone. And I sat like a lump all day, tuning everything out… stuffing my feelings with food and TV and romance novels.
I was living a double life.
I was in bondage, and was desperate to get out.
In those times of worship, I cried out to the Lord… and I remember the day I realized that He heard me.
I was standing in worship at our original home church, all those many years ago. There was music swirling all around me, and I was singing as loudly as I could with my arms lifted in the air. I opened my eyes and looked up, imagining I could see straight into heaven – and I knew in my heart, He saw me. He heard me.
It was that same summer that the Lord called us out of that church and into the hardest seven years of our lives. From August 2012 to June 2019, we were in the desert of refinement that would change our lives forever. From the heights of human praise to the depths of a nervous breakdown, the Lord broke the chains off my life completely. At one time I lived in a 20-year depression, and now there are few clouds that hang over my life for very long. In my old life I had anxiety that gave me panic attacks, even in my sleep, but in the new? Even in the deepest depths of despair, fearing for the life of my own child and heaving my heart onto the floor in tears, my hope was not lost and my hand still reached out for the hem of my Father’s garment. And not one panic attack or one day of depression darkened my doorstep. And why is that?
It’s because I’m free.
Through the refining fire of those seven years, the Father broke me to the floor and cracked my old crooked foundation. He taught me that I am loved. He showed me that I am forgiven. He proved to me that I don’t have to earn anything from Him, and that it’s not even possible to do so. He allowed me to get to my lowest of lows… to the end of my rope and the end of all my trying so hard to get it right… and then He picked me up with the purest love I have ever felt or experienced in my life. And He just keeps picking me up and holding me, even now.
I’m not perfect, far from it! It’s still a daily journey. I could be jealous if I wanted to, but I don’t want to anymore. I could hold onto things and people and situations, and worry over details, but it makes me feel bad, so I don’t. I am a completely different person now. I’d rather be free, I’d rather do whatever it takes to stay free, and I experience joy and freedom on a daily basis. Not only that, I’m living out my dreams and the passion and calling on my life… and I shake my head at how it all came together. And I know I have to be very careful not to think too much of myself, because all this is not because of ME. It’s all because of HIM.
But that’s the beauty of it. It’s for freedom that He sets us free. He came to give us life. Life more abundantly than we ever knew was possible. And it’s all because of Him and how greatly He loves us to the core of who we truly are. Warts and all.
It’s not me, it’s Him. I can’t even pray right without His help. It’s Him. It’s Jesus. The real Jesus. He saw me sinking and saved me. Then He set my feet upon a solid rock… and that’s where I live.
Broken to the core, sown with new seed, and living a full and fruitful life. That’s what Broken & Sown is all about. It’s a journey from death to life.
Broken & Sown 